Support Me!
“I don’t feel people support me enough”
When you listen to a lot of people discussing their problems and fears, you sometimes encounter a theme running like a thread through various stories. That theme often points to something that is wrong with society.
Recently such a theme, one I hear in many a pastoral conversation, goes something like this: “I just long for someone that can support me. If only I can get unconditional support! Nobody really cares for me”. It sounds like a legitimate need to have someone cheering for you, believing in you and supporting you. The lack thereof expressed by so many people shows on surface value, a society that has became very selfish with an “Each man for himself” posture. But maybe things are not what they seem on first glance…
Until very recently there were people who belonged to groups whose main role was understood to be that of supporters. It was a cultural given that people in one of these groups should and will support you. Let me give a few examples:
- Women was one such group. Of a woman nothing much was expected but to support her husband in his goals and ambitions. Also her sons and her male boss.
- Black people were until very recently seen to be people who needs to do hard manual labour and support the goals and ambitions of Caucasian people in western countries
- Children was seen as people who should be “seen and not heard” and they were expected to give limitless obedience and loyalty to older people just by the very notion that they are younger of age.
There are more examples. Now things have changed. Woman rights movements, BLM groups and children’s rights groups has become aware that this uncritical assumption that some people by default need to play the role of supporting actors in someone’s else’s drama, is wrong. Woman moved into fulfilling careers and enjoy the independence and freedom it has given them. Thou many if not most feel the pressure to perform both well at work and at home to maintain their non-working mom’s high household standards, many modern households have a much more equal distribution of household chores and responsibilities. To be a stay at home dad has become an equally legitimate choice as being a stay at home mom in developed countries.
Black people have similarly decided to challenge this notion that it is ok that black people are paid lower salaries for the same effort, has to aspire to accept and comply with white culture to be accepted and need to be by default the top priority in every police search and shooting. Rightfully so.
Children are now taught that adults are not always right and that when their needs and demands exceed personal boundaries, that they have an obligation and a right to protest, disagree and say “no”. If anything, this will help curb atrocities such as child molestation.
So, what some experience as the lack of support is simply the loss of privilege. Maybe the lack of support experienced is as much the result of people realizing their worth, equality and freedom as it is people becoming more self centred. Maybe it is not the ones support is expected from that needs to become less selfish but the ones that expect it.
Does this mean I should just suck it up when I feel unsupported by my spouse, employees or children? No, but before you communicate your frustration and demand more support, it would be wise to tick a few important boxes. Ask yourself if in your longing for support, it has to do with support in matters that benefit only you or mostly you and not really those you need the support from. Ask yourself if what you need support in really has a goal greater than your own needs for the greater good of everybody involved. Ask yourself if you are open for input and critique from those you long to support you. Are you transparent with people that you want support from? Do they understand the goal and the importance of their role in it? Are they duly appreciated and compensated for this role? Would you be equally willing to partner with them should they articulate the goals they feel they need support in?
Like many Afrikaner boys, being the only boy and eldest of three siblings, I enjoyed the privileged position of a mini-crown prince, especially in my grandparent’s eyes. I felt supported. When I made a mistake, I was often either let of the hook, rebuked very gently or helped to make things right. I realized many years later that I was oblivious to these privileges as I was to my white and male privileges. Also, that these privileges became to me the assumed norm and the behaviour I expected from anybody who claimed to care for me. To look it in the eye that my constant feeling of disappointed in the lack of support I received, was actually no lack at all but me having unrealistic expectation on how people should prioritize what it is important to me at the cost of what is important to them, was one of the hardest things I had to do. It was also one that did wonders in terms of deflating my ego and supplementing the meagre hand I had in humility. It is still helping me to mature.
I still long for support but not unconditional support and more support in the form of companionship rather than in agreement and sacrifice just for my own sake. I see such support nowadays more as an undeserved gift than as a birthright. Instead of dreaming up narcistic visions of what I would have been able to achieve if this or that person supported me more, I ask myself who could do with more support from my side. I try to take the needs of others into account and check if my goals do not perhaps ignore or God forbid, crush those of others.
I have seen many a sports team and player play better because of fans supporting them. I know I do when people support me. But I have seen no player of character blame a mistake or a loss on the fans not supporting him or her enough. Because support is a gift, not a given right. Because support is a gift, not a given right. The support holding one up should come from above and from inside, not from outside even though that also might help a lot.
Gabriel J Snyman
August 29th 2020