Four horsemen of Relationships and how to Keep them Away
Just as I convince myself that social media is a waste of time, I stumble across something that argues otherwise. This morning I scrolled through my Facebook posts (I justify it as my equivalent of reading the morning paper), I came across a sketch from the Gottman Institute. It was titled: “The Four Horsemen and how to stope them with their antidotes”.
The four horsemen, as you might have recognized is imagery borrowed from the book of Revelation in the bible. The four horsemen in Revelation are calamities that plagues the world and predicts its imminent demise. So this post is about things that kills relationship and how to stop them. I cannot think of a single person who won’t benefit from this, so I decided to share it with you:
The first horseman is criticism. Launching verbal attacks on a person’s choices or character. Though nobody is above critique, and all make mistakes, your partner (or the person closest to you) shouldn’t be the main source of criticism. When you are heading to your loved one, the first thing that comes to mind shouldn’t be; what did I do wrong today?
The antidote to this horsemen is to express feelings along with positive needs. You see, dishing out criticism is sadly to many people, a way to vent their own frustrations and unresolved issues. Such people when in a bad mood, will be extremely critical of something they won’t even notice when they are in a better mood. This confuses the recipient of the criticism. But to express your feelings is a much more positive way to vent and to express a positive need (“I have a need to sit on the couch with you for 20 minutes and chat) is empowering to the partner. It presents an opportunity to love you. No energy and time is wasted by the partner to decipher feelings and discern needs. How far we will go if we can learn to express feelings and needs and listen and respect those of others!
Contempt is the next horseman. “I hate his/her guts” is desirable feelings for the protagonists in James Bond and Cowboy movies. It is not something one should tolerate in yourself if you harbour it against your partner. Contempt distance people from one another. It is something you can never hides. It leaks and hurts the one for whom it is harboured. Contempt is relational cancer.
The antidote? Build a culture of appreciation. Appreciation leaks but heals rather than stings. To allow yourself to feel deep gratitude is just as healing for you the bestower as it is for the receiver. It eats contempt for breakfast. I think the ratio of gratitude should always far exceed the ratio of fault finding and criticism in you. If it does not, you are gradually losing your partner.
Defensiveness is the next horseman. A person who is defensive as a default, victimizes him/herself in order to ward of attacks and even fair criticism. Victims draw pity from people but never inspire people. Therefore victimhood should be something you move through, not a place where you should camp out as a defense mechanism. How sad would it be if the only thing you achieved with your life was that you made people feel sorry for you. Surely you would want to say that you moved beyond that and also inspired people. “Oh, so now I am the bad wife again!” “Sorry, I can do nothing right”. No.
Taking responsibility is the antidote to that. See and accept your partner’s point of view and own your responsibility in that. Say sorry generously but only if you can follow it up with a sentence in which you can relate your partner’s feelings in a way they can identify with. “I am sorry that I missed your need in this situation. I wish I could have loved you better be doing that and realize it only now”.
The last horseman is Stonewalling. The stuff relational nightmares are made off. It is to withdraw to avoid conflict. It is passive-aggressive disapproval, distancing and separation. It is like divorce with a extra pinch off emotional torture thrown in. It is therefore even worse than the hell we call divorce. Don’t let it simmer in your own behaviour and don’t put up with it indefinitely in those of others.
Psychological self-soothing is the alternative. Sometimes we do need space. There is a form of distancing that doesn’t lead to further isolation but to better engagement and reconciliation. That is when you do something soothing and distracting to give yourself breathing space. The focus is not on spite but on self-care. You owe it to the other one to get back and reengaging in the resolve. But your partner also owes it to you to allow you to make space for self-care.
A relationship is a wonderful thing. It is also vulnerable. The abovementioned horsemen has it in its target constantly and if the antidotes aren’t in place they will attack, take over and destroy your relationship. Keep them at bay and don’t put up with a partner who befriended them and invites them in constantly.
Gabriel J Snyman
February 10th 2021