Many of us have been “dropped” as babies…but we can pick ourselves up
Attachment styles.
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth dedicated their careers as psychiatrists to study the interactions between babies and their primary care givers as well as the effect of those interactions later in life. The theory of attachment styles were developed and four types of typical attachments styles were formulated. Attachment styles, as you might have guessed has to do with the way we relate in interpersonal relationships. The four styles are:
- Secure Attachment styles. This is the one we all hope to have. A baby got attended to lovingly according to his or her needs. It got a sense of security from a secure and stable environment. It’s caregivers were mentally and emotionally stable people and mature enough to prioritize the baby’s needs above their own where necessary. They baby learned early on that people are good and that they can generally be trusted.
These individuals relate freely and normally to other people. They find relationships natural and for the most part enjoy healthy relationships with other people. They enjoy company but are also ok to be alone. Their general anxiety levels are low.
- Anxious Ambivalent attachment style. Here the baby learned early on that he or she cannot completely trust the care giver. They did care and attend to the baby, but it fluctuated according to their own needs, whims and circumstances, so it did not come in a constant flow. Later on, these children probably learned to read their caregiver’s mood and state of mind from facial expression and posture. That mood assured them that they were loved and secure momentarily or it confirmed their fears that it is not the case.
As adults in relationships these individuals default towards being anxious and emotionally dependent. They feel the need to be close to their partner and reassured. They aren’t good with being alone and prefer not to be.
- Avoidant attachment style. Here the baby was neglected and learned to self-soothe. They got the message that others cannot be trusted or relied on.
Needless to say, as adults these people struggle with relationships. They tend to avoid closeness. They struggle to pick up on emotional clues (in stark contrast with the previous style who are oversensitive to other’s emotions) and their partners often experience them as distant.
- Disorganized attachment style
This style could be seen as a combination of the previous two. Babies here probably got a mix between real good parenting at times and real bad parenting. They grow up confused as to when and who to trust. It could be the result of the same parent checking in and out of parenting or two parents with completely different (healthy and unhealthy) approaches. Sometimes childhood trauma can also affect a child who had consistent good parenting in this way, for instance, a child that has been sexually molested by a family friend.
They can tend to avoid intimacy and can be emotionally manipulative. They have a difficulty expressing positive emotions towards their partner, even though they do feel it. They tend to harbor frustration and anger and have a tough time managing it. They might be intermittently explosive.
Now, what if you read this and realize you fall in one of the three less desirable attachment styles? It is kind of heartbreaking realizing this, seeing how your attachment style has caused much difficulties in your relationships through none of your fault. I mean, baby’s don’t pick their parents, socio economic standing or opportunities for connection, right? I have two hopeful things to share with you if you fall in this category.
Firstly, approximately 50 % of the population is in the same boat. Among them are accomplished writers, academics, labourers, teachers, nurses and doctors, moms and dads that make an immensely positive contribution to society. These people are loved and adored my many, even many people with secure attachment styles in spite of their relational challenges. It is fair to say that the world would be where it is and would be much worse off without these individuals.
Secondly, your attachment style might be your default especially under stress, but it is not a sentence. You can rewire your brain and move towards the secure attachment style. Many do. Those that do are in a way even better off as they usually have a great ability for empathy and help many others.
Your next question might be how to rewire your brain and move to an ever-better level of attachment. I plan to follow up this and go into all that. But at first, let me tell you that the first step on this journey is by simply becoming aware of these styles and which one you default to. Think about your upbringing, even the stories about your birth and baby years and pick up the clues. Notice and watch how people interact in relationships and try to discern what attachment styles you see at play. This gives your subconscious the message that there are alternatives to the troublesome and destructive ways you think and relate. Like Dr. Phil always say: “You cannot change what you cannot acknowledge”.
It is not your fault, but it is in your power to better the way you relate and when you do it could make an immense positive difference to your life.
Should you want to read more on this, I have come across a great book on the subject that I currently listen as an audio book. It is called: “Widen the Window” by Elizabeth A. Stanley. The author is not only very knowledgeable about the subject but has first hand experience of rewiring her own attachment style, having lived through many trauma’s that scarred her.
You are not alone!
Gabriel J Snyman
February 24, 2021
Written for the Celebrate Recovery ministry’s Facebook page, a ministry currently hosted by City Centre Church