The Language of Apology
By Gabriel J Snyman
November 14th 2019
On Monday a group of us went and listened to Gary Chapman, the author of “The 5 love languages”. This book of his was written twenty years ago and after twenty years still, more of it sells than the year before. The book has recently been translated into Arabic. I am sceptical of recipes and easy “steps” for life but must say the love languages did give me and my wife a good framework by which to understand the practical ways we are called to express our love for each other. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the concept, Chapman’s theory states that we all have a preferred way in which we express and want to receive love, a so called “love language”. In a marriage partners rarely have the same preference and the challenge is to learn to speak your partner’s love language, even if it doesn’t come naturally. The 5 languages are: Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, spending quality Time and Physical Touch. All this Chapman recapped on Monday and although I didn’t learn anything I did not know, it was a good refresher.
What I want to share today is the second part of his talk and what he added to the love languages which is 5 “Apology Languages”. He might be pushing the concept far with this but again I found it to be a helpful way to think about a crucial aspect in human relationships which is acknowledging and apologizing when we have wronged other people. Because we all do wrong our beloved ones. Though there might also be preferences when it comes to these languages, I think it would be better to use this list as a checklist to run through rather than a list of preferences where you should choose and “speak” a particular language of apology. Here goes:
The first one is saying that you are sorry. Some people don’t like this. Canadians should be good as we are notorious for our eagerness to say sorry. Chapman commented on how many father’s either never apologized or never did so in front of their children thereby not modeling this to them. I also remarked hos saying sorry, should always come without a “but” as it can make it’s impact collapse completely.
The second one is accepting responsibility. You recognizing that you have wronged someone, does not free you of the consequences you have because of what you did. A man that cheated on his wife cannot expect her to trust him at pre affair levels right after he said sorry and vica versa.
The third one is making restitution. The fact that we cannot take back our actions and their consequences must not lead us to hold that we can do nothing to compensate for the loss and damage it incurred on another.
The fourth one is repentance. Sometime one of the most effective ways is to never repeat the action, something that is only possible in the long run if it comes from a heart that repented.
The final language is requesting forgiveness. This is a way to communicate to a person that he or she is valued and their goodwill is desired. Some people need to hear that and probably all people would like it. A person from whom this is requested should be given proper time to execute the request after it is given as forgiveness is sometimes process and not only a snap decision.
So there you have it, the five languages of apology. May it help your relationships.